Hamil with Care

Meet the Hot New Conservative College Speakers

With free speech provocateur Milo Yiannopoulis passing into infamy due to a series of totally misinterpreted and selectively edited clips in which he expressed approval of pedophilia, smug liberals might think they’ve successfully beat back the growing wave of radically conservative speakers on college campuses. But they’re sorely mistaken. Here are a few of America’s next generation of free-thinking firebrands coming soon to a college near you.

Frank Da Funky Phrenologist
Take a seat, ivory tower eggheads: There’s a bold new voice coming to the stage! Frank Da Funky Phrenologist combines hip-hop, comedy and education in an exciting multimedia production that revives the long-lost study of head shapes and cranial capacity. Phrenology was unfairly discredited as pseudomedicine by 19th-century social justice warriors, and now Frank has made it his mission to bring the powerful alt-science back into the public arena. His presentation will teach students how to identify such traits as criminality, sloth and mental illness in professors and fellow students simply by looking at their heads. You’ll walk away shocked at the level of poor breeding within academia and determined to fight back against nature’s horrors by contributing to Frank’s national online database of suspected campus degenerates.  

[UPDATE: Frank has been charged with felony child endangerment and contributing to the delinquency of a minor and his 2017 “Check Yo Head” tour of Southern Christian colleges has been cancelled.]

Sallie Ann Pickett, Confederate Wife
Actress Rhubarb Jensen presents an interactive one-woman show about the wife of Confederate General George Pickett. Through dramatic monologues and an in-character Q&A she introduces students to the struggles of a woman whose love for states’ rights was surpassed only by love for her husband. In full period garb with banjo accompaniment, Sallie Ann will regale you with tales of her husband’s glorious wartime exploits and their tragic aftermath, from Pickett’s Charge at the Battle of Gettysburg to the family’s brief exile in Montreal. Students will fall in love with the winsome Southern belle and emerge with a new understanding of the real causes of the Civil War and the injustices endured by its most noble and eloquent warriors. Sallie Ann’s determination to “keep the home fires burning” will also serve as a potent model for young women preparing to rope their own “general” and start a family of future freedom soldiers. It’s a show that will delight history buffs and leave ugly feminist multiculturalists howling with rage. Fight back against the campus cancer of historical revisionism with living history straight from the source!

Painter of Light: The Legacy of Thomas Kinkade with Art Historian Larry Gross
Thomas Kinkade’s inspiring depictions of domestic tranquility have been derided by liberal humanist art critics as embarrassingly maudlin kitsch barely worth the canvas on which they’re printed. But these jealous, thwarted losers have never been able to dismiss the broad appeal and staggering talent that made Kinkade the best-selling painter of all time. With a keen eye on the intersection of aesthetics and scripture, Gross digs deep into Kinkade’s stirring biography to explain how the humble man of God succeeded in spreading the glory of creation to shrewd connoisseurs around the world. Gross’s PowerPoint presentation will reveal the “Easter eggs” sprinkled throughout Kinkade’s most enduring masterworks, from the hidden letter “N” for his wife, Nanette, to “John 3:16” cleverly concealed in scenes of simple pleasure. Situating Kinkade’s oeuvre in the context of other great American painters, from Norman Rockwell to Margaret Keane, Gross makes the case for Kinkade as the nation’s greatest artistic genius. He’ll also explain how Kinkade’s alleged death in 2012 from acute Valium and alcohol intoxication was actually the work of secret FEMA hit squad ordered by Obama.