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Humor

Seattle Visitor Guide: Summer Edition

We are very proud of our islands and ferries. Photo by Tobias Eigen

Welcome, summer visitors! Whether you’re here for a wedding, vacation, lucrative tech buyout or leveraged real estate transaction, we’re glad you decided to spend time in the Emerald City. Here’s some background info to help you make the most of your trip.

Seattleites are at their brashest, friendliest and horniest during the summer months. Visitors are often beguiled by the openhearted lust we display during these fleeting weeks when there’s enough sunlight to metabolize Vitamin D. But remember: An encounter begun in the summer will always be relegated to casual fuck-frenzy, a product of “sun goggles.” It’s customary here to start any serious relationship in mid-November, when soberer decisions prevail.

Normally the default fashion mode in Seattle is “Hiking to a TED Talk About Krautrock,” but in the summer it’s more “Stopping at the Dollar Store on the Way to a Book Club Orgy.” Expect clingy sundresses, short shorts and T-shirts creatively altered to show off immaculately preserved tattoos. Join in the fun by wearing a non-appropriative headdress or novelty visor.

Due to the high volume of existing traffic, and out of respect for residents who have shit to do, we request that you not drive a car. You’re welcome to use our spacious new streetcars at any time, and bike share bicycles are available approximately eight feet in any direction.

Definitely take a trip through the mystical Puget Sound on our ferry system. Maunder past a string of enchanted islands as you chase lens flares on the passenger deck. Take as many selfies as you want—we totally get it (same goes for the Jimi Hendrix statue on Broadway).

Many visitors make offhanded quips about Seattle being some sort of urban socialist hellhole, which begs the question: Then why did you fly here from Billings for your vacation, Cathy? Before you chime in about our local politics, we request that you spend five minutes browsing apartment listings on Zillow. Chances are you’ll soon have the words “burn it down” trembling on your lips just like the rest of us.

Also: probably a good idea not to bring up any of our professional sports teams unless prompted.

Your role as summertime visitor is to tread lightly among the vivacious, brainy humans of Seattle. They’re struggling to eke out a tenuous existence amid monstrous disruption, beset on all sides by opportunistic parasites in a particularly summer-friendly oasis perched on the brink of climate catastrophe. Treat Seattleites gently, like delicate coral on an endangered reef.

With this in mind, we truly hope you make some beautiful memories during your stay. But tell no one of what you saw here.

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