Five Questions for E.T.

A 3,400-pound walrus, one of only twenty-five in captivity, E.T. makes his home at the Pt. Defiance Zoo. Biologists there hope he will mate with one of the two females recently added to his pool — and E.T. tells us he’s bound to oblige.

What’s your dating history? I was an AFC — an average frustrated chump — but I’ve been working on my game and I’m feeling good now. One of the polar bears just called me an MPUA — master pickup artist. That’s a big compliment coming from a natural enemy and I’m determined to live up to it.

What changed for you? I was so unhappy with myself. I was living up in the Canadian Arctic and all I could think about was losing weight, styling my whiskers, having my tusks whitened. But I discovered that all I need is a personality to attract just about any female I’m interested in. I learned to be happy with myself.

How did you wise up? Lisa Triggs, the senior staff biologist here at the zoo, told me straight: females are the ones in nature who make the sexual choice, males are always trying to figure out how to get them to make that choice.

And the secret is … ? If you’re not compatible it’s just not going to happen. Females are so intuitive.

What have you learned about male-female relationships? Males do have these more animal brains, cold factual brains, whereas females have these great hopes of finding that one guy. Because they believe in that guy, he often ends up living up to her hopes. Now I’m ready to be chosen: I am that guy.

Photo courtesy of the Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium