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Welcome and namaste.

Welcome and namaste. Please find a comfortable, seated position and center yourself in preparation for a meditative voyage into the inner mind. Close your eyes.

Breathe in. And breathe out. Feel the tension and impurity leaving your body as you—oh, go ahead and breathe in again. I didn’t mean for you to only breathe when I tell you to.

In through the nose and out through the mouth, becoming ever more mindful of the rhythms of the body, ever more aware of that quiet, inner consciousness.

Now picture yourself on a vast, empty plane, a giant blank space. In your mind, choose a color for that space.

Did you choose lavender? If so, you are correct.

Try to clear your mind of all thoughts. As mental emanations arise, they will appear on the surface of the lavender field. Acknowledge the thought then zap it away with your mind’s laser beam.

I’m hungry ZAP

Good.

I could really go for a glass of wa– ZAP

That’s it.

This chair is kinda uncomfortab– ZAP

I wonder if Steve answered that text– ZAP

Nicely done!

Hey, I’m medita– ZAP

I’m clearing my mind of all conscious th– ZAP

Mm-hmm.

Hey! You! Don’t zap me! Please!

Go ahead, zap it.

Don’t! Just listen for just a second!

Clear your mind. Zap the thoughts away.

Please! I’m a disembodied soul trapped in an artificial reality! They’re zapping us all!

Take. Him. Out.

Don’t do it, man! They told us it was gonna be a “guided meditation” but now we’re all trapped in this purple nightmare world and you keep zapping us!

Don’t listen to him. He’s trying to confuse you.

I’m not! I swear!

The last thoughts always go the hardest, but it’s what you must do if you want to achieve mindfulness and balance.

He’s lying! Please! I have a wife and kids!

Zap him and we will move on to the next part of the meditation.

Wait! No! Oh god, please, I beg you!

Do it!

Please! Tell my family I love– ZAP

Aaaagh! It burns! It burns!

Finish him!

ZAP

Urgh– ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP

Ahem. Um, okay. That’ll do. Very good. I think you’ve got the hang of it.

Now, with all thoughts cleared away and your mind centered in the empty lavender field, breathe in…and out…

In…and out…

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