Start limbering up your page-turning fingers now, political-memoir enthusiasts! Hillary Clinton’s blockbuster tell-all about the 2016 election, What Happened, hits shelves in less than a week, and she’s got tea to spill and wounds to salt. City Arts obtained an advance copy from a tiny man with mesmerizing eyes who quickly disappeared down an alleyway. Here are some of the biggest shockers we found, in Hillary’s own words.
She tried to convince Lena Dunham to switch her support to Trump.
“Robby Mook convinced me that Lena Dunham’s vocal advocacy was causing us to hemorrhage supporters in important battleground states. He explained that if we wanted to make inroads with the key demographics of ‘red state women who have been hesitant to self-identify as feminists since the premiere of Girls’ and ‘millenial women of color who just can’t with this bullshit,’ we’d have to convince the ‘voice of her generation’ to reverse course and support Trump. Mook assured me it was crucial.
At a stopover in my New York campaign headquarters, I called Lena into my office.
‘Lena, I’d like to thank you for all you’ve done for us, but—‘
‘Oh my god, have you noticed how coconut water tastes better right after you’ve had sushi?’
‘No, I haven’t, Lena. Look, the thing is–‘
‘I can’t believe I’m standing next to the FIRST FEMALE PRESID–‘
Podesta dumped a bucket of ice over her head. That shut her up.
Unfortunately, over the course of an hour-long meeting, we were unable to convince Lena to switch her support to Trump, which cost us at least 8,000 votes in Michigan and Wisconsin. However, I can’t hold it against her since she released a hilarious rap music video on the eve of the election, ‘Sensual Pantsuit Anthem,’ which my aides assure me is one of the best hip-hop songs of the past decade.”
She got pumped up by listening to Danzig’s “Mother.”
“Every great politician has a ‘pump-up song’ they listen to before an important speech or debate. This song enables you to get into the rhythm and ‘vibe’ you’re trying to convey to an audience. Throughout the course of my campaign, that song was ‘Mother’ by Glenn Danzig, a heavy-metal singer from New Jersey.
The staff always used to rib me about my choice of music, but I didn’t care. I still get goosebumps when Danzig growls the line, ‘If you want to find hell with me/ I can show you what it’s like.’”
She hired a bounty hunter to capture the Bernie bird.
“When a house finch landed on the podium at Senator Sanders’s rally in Portland, it imbued him with an aura of supernatural saintliness and energized his fringe base of delusional misogynists. As the cable news networks endlessly replayed footage of the moment, I knew exactly what we needed to do: capture the bird and reveal it as a hoax for the whole world to see. I wasn’t sure whether the bird was specially trained to land on a podium or if it was a robot, but I was determined to find out.
I called an off-the-books meeting of all my campaign’s top biometrics engineers and opposition researchers, who assured me they were up to the task. We sent a special top-secret team to Portland led by Herschel ‘Bloodhound’ Schlossberg, a famous bounty hunter recommended by Huma Abedin.
After weeks of searching and thousands of finches trapped and euthanized, we were unable to make a positive identification of ‘Birdie Sanders.’ The campaign then moved on to other pressing matters.”