In Need of Love and Happiness

R (coughing): Sorry. Are you awake?

D: Uh huh. For a little while now.

R: G’morning, love.

D: Morning, dear.

R: Coffee? 

D: ’K. 

Wait. R? What’s love?

R: What’s love? Hmm. Well, I’m not really sure, but I think it’s when a person puts someone else before themselves. When you think of someone else’s well-being before your own, I’d bet it's safe to say you love that someone.

And there are a lot of kinds of love, D. There is the love between a mother and child. There is the love between best friends. What kind of love do you mean?

D: Romantic love.

R: Oh. Well, yeah, it’s when you think of someone else’s welfare before your own. It’s pretty special, though. When you still feel that way about someone after the initial infatuation subsides and you see them truly as they are, then I think it’s safe to say you love that person.

Like how I feel about you, D. Even though I can so easily point to all of your faults, I still manage, somehow, to care for you.

D: Oh, shut up, you mean jerk. Go make coffee.

R: ’K.

D: No, wait. R? What’s happiness?

R: Happiness. Honey, you’re asking the wrong person.

D: Shut up.

R: I’m not sure what happiness is, baby. I know it usually comes when one stops chasing after it. I think maybe people expect too much from happiness, though. As if it’s the apex of being. That final state one works towards, or some such nonsense.

Personally, I think happiness might be a phase one must go through in order to get to despondency and melancholia.

D: Shut up.

R: No, honestly. I think if one can avoid assigning a value to these natural phases – happiness equals good and hopelessness equals bad – then we’d be able to see them as necessary in order to keep on going. Like the different states of a perpetual-motion machine. All states are necessary to remain in motion.

D: But isn’t it good to be happy?

R: I prefer it, yes.

But maybe true happiness comes with understanding you are part of a larger whole. Maybe it’s in the sacrifices one makes for the good of the whole, the things people often reluctantly do and generally feel unhappy about, maybe those things are what will truly make us happy.

The aim of the individual is always at odds with the aim of the group. Just as a child’s nature drives him or her to flee the family, the individual’s nature is to flee the whole. Not to celebrate what’s common in all of us, but to find the difference and celebrate the uniqueness. Not all of this is necessarily bad, but pride and narcissism can skew natural tendencies and manifest in ways that will not bring happiness or contentment. Only loneliness.

Maybe it’s contentment that people want anyway, and not happiness. There is more rest associated with being content, and I know people enjoy the notion of rest!

D: Maybe. Or maybe you should make coffee.

R: Oh shit. Yup, I should. Sorry, D.

D: Don’t be sorry, goof.

R: No, not about the coffee.

D: Sorry for what?

R: Sorry for when I allow pride and fear to get in the way of being good to you.

D: What do you mean?

R: Sometimes, when I feel vulnerable, I think of all of the ways in which you have the power to hurt me. A power you possess because I love you. 

I become afraid of our love and react to my fear. Whether through jealousy or insecurity, I react by treating you poorly before you have a chance to treat me poorly. I leave you before you can leave me. It’s a way of maintaining a false sense of pride and moral superiority. It fools me into thinking the power belongs to me. It turns love into an intellectual exercise and it ruins our chance at being happy together. I’m sorry for that.

D: You should be sorry about that!

R: I am, honey.

You are such a beautiful, embracing person and so full of life, D. You teach me new things every day. You make me see things in a way that is different and filled with love, generosity and hope. Do you know how much I’ve come to admire you?

It makes me absolutely sick then that my reaction, sometimes, is to attempt some sort of sabotage to the bond we share. It’s maddening and I think I’m discovering that I’ve been doing this my entire life. That you have the strength to endure this and the patience to wait for me to change speaks volumes about the person you are, D. Do you know that?

Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Thank you for everything, D.

D: R? I love you.

R: I love you too, D. With all of my heart. Let’s make this a good year, all right?

D: Yes, let’s. 

And R? Let’s start it with some fucking coffee already. •

Rusty Willoughby is the leader of the band Cobirds Unite.