Three Unreasonable Demands I am Placing on Unsuspecting Artists

Hey Vaselines. I really want to hear you play your new song “My God’s Bigger Than Your God,” and I want you to play your classic “Molly’s Lips.” But what I really want is an onstage explanation of why Eugene Kelly appears to be aging three times as fast as Frances McKee.

Hi there, Theresa Rebeck. I’m going to go see the dramatic reading of your melodrama The Bells, because, well, it’s brilliant. But I am wondering if you would also stage a reading of the episode of NYPD Blue you wrote; you know, the one where Sipowicz and Jimmy Smits sing “Duke of Earl”?

Alloy Orchestra. I just want to say that I can’t wait to see you perform the score to Metropolis. I actually saw your premiere of this work at Telluride, and I’d see it again and again, and not just because Roger Ebert says you’re the world’s best silent-film accompanists. So, what I’m wondering is, afterwards, will you come over to my house and accompany a dinner party for me?