Creative Writing

Introducing: The Ego Concierge

Finally some help with your self-awareness.

Finally some help with your self-awareness

The art world is a perilous place for the sensitive soul. In a realm ruled by subjective pursuit of the ineffable, the inner life of the artist oscillates between feelings of crippling inadequacy and moments of world-conquering exaltation. It gets exhausting.

The Ego Concierge (EC) will help you find a path through this hall of mirrors. ECs are trained in social etiquette, career management principles and Buddhist mindfulness techniques. Here are some of the services offered by our board-certified specialists.

Insecurities Analysis
We all could use an impartial observer now and then, a second set of eyes and ears. Your EC will help manage social anxieties by shadowing you at public events and offering discreet one-on-one feedback. Did you overpronounce “mise-en-scène” at the post-screening Q&A? Could your friend on the grant committee tell how resentful you are about being passed over for the eighth straight year? Does this blouse make your breasts look rectangular? Your EC will serve as a firm but sympathetic sounding board.

Imposter Syndrome Consultation
For the successful artist harboring feelings of illegitimacy, our ECs offer a comprehensive Peer Artist Review that compares your career statistics to everyone else’s, in categories such as income, favorable reviews and number of Twitter followers. Find out once and for all where you fit into the picture. Are you a fraud who managed to achieve modest provincial success by brazen self-promotion? Or do you deserve every goddam ounce of praise you get for risking health and financial well-being to manifest fleeting moments of beauty in this godforsaken world? Your EC will help determine whether you’re being underpaid relative to your more mediocre colleagues or if you’re just lucky that you haven’t been exposed yet as a charlatan.

Wackness Monitoring
Some of our best clients are older artists with humanities degrees who grew up in a less progressive era. For these customers, 2016’s social equity milieu can be confusing; even the most well-intentioned art can wither under the fire of a 500-comment Facebook thread. To help these folks navigate the potentially problematic pitfalls of a fast-changing cultural landscape, we now offer 24-hour support. Wondering whether a novel told from the point of view of a Somalian refugee is an appropriate vehicle for a 40-something white person who’s never been east of the Mississippi? About to press “send” on a catty Tweet about Caitlyn Jenner? Operators are standing by. For more advanced cases and IRL interactions, our PrivilegeChek™ remote monitoring wristband administers a mild electrical shock whenever its wearer’s foot wanders mouthward.