Hamil with Care

The Elector Next Door

Oh hey, Pete! Come on in. Whatcha got for us there? Some of Carol’s famous brownies, huh? Great! You can put ‘em over on the coffee table with all the other baked goods. Lots of folks from the neighborhood been dropping by lately.

I wonder why, haha. Just kidding. But seriously, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? When’s the last time I saw you and your your beautiful bride? Summer block party?   

Hey, check out this new belt sander I got from the Ellises down the block. You know Derrick, right? Neighborhood watch captain? Mustache? Nice guy, a little intense? He also gave me this Jeff Dunham DVD. Not my thing, it turns out. You want it? Ha, yeah, I don’t blame you.

Jeannie says hi by the way. She’s in the sunroom getting a massage from Cindy Sullivan, Randy and Julia’s daughter. She’s really grown into quite the young woman. Have you seen her lately? Gorgeous, articulate, studying for her massage therapy license. They must be so proud. Oh, and her brother Reagan’s out back mowing the lawn as we speak. Great kids.

So what can I do ya for? Haha, seriously, you don’t have to say it. I know why you’re here. It’s because you found out I’m an Elector, right? Come on now, admit it!

Haha. Ok then. Good.

It’s a weird time to be an American, isn’t it? We’re all so divided these days. For example, do you remember when your son Todd called my boy Cameron a “homophobe” on Twitter? Which kept him from being elected senior class treasurer? Just because of a harmless little prank? Even though they grew up together and Cameron has been nothing but respectful of Todd’s choices… That was a real eye-opener to me. You hear people talking about “safe spaces” and “gender pronouns” but you never think you’ll see your precious boy crying at the dinner table because he ended up on the wrong end of a PC lynch mob.

Oh yeah, I forgot: We’re not supposed to say “lynch mob“ anymore. See, it’s hard to keep track these days, what with all the social justice warriors out there ready to pounce.

Say, maybe now would be a good time for your Todd to tweet out a public apology to my Cameron. You know, to patch things up. Just a thought. We’re all in this together, right?

Wow, I love those shoes. What size are you? I’ve been looking for a pair just like that.

Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah—I’m pretty sure I know what you’re here for. Don’t think I haven’t noticed all the yard signs and bumper stickers down there on your end of the block, haha. You’re with her, I get it.

But I gotta tell you, I’ve pretty much already heard it all from the Chandrakars, who stopped by earlier. Basically, you want to remind me that as an Elector, I’m the last line of defense in a broken system that’s granted inconceivable power to a petty, vengeful tyrant who’ll use his position to enrich himself, settle personal vendettas and humiliate his enemies.

And I get that. I totally get it. You’re worried that this country is about to turn into a kleptocracy in which only those who curry favor with the corrupt autocrats will succeed, spawning thousands of minor power-brokers trading their newfound influence for gifts and favors. It could happen virtually overnight. That’s scary, and no one takes it more seriously than I. And I promise I will keep your concerns in mind when I cast my vote in a couple weeks. 

Anyways, it’s been great to see you, buddy! You should send Carol over here sometime. I’d love to catch up with her. Maybe have her wear that red strapless number she wore to the block party. I’d like that.  

Okay, bye now, Pete. Could you send the Dodsons in on your way out?